Happy

About a couple of weeks ago a famous writer, Joost Zwagerman, passed away. He committed suicide. 

When I red this the next morning in the newspaper, mspontaneously tears vpcame up in my eyes. 

I think because of the shock. And maybe also because I realised that Joost Zwagerman must have suffered sooo much that he decided to commit suicide.

I have to commit that I also belong too this big group of people that consider sometimes committing suicide. I know this feeling that it becomes too much for me. That I have the feeling that I can't handle life. Often I can't even describe it very clear. It's just a feeling. It's just an undertone in my existence. 

Everybody wants to be happy, isn't it? That is just a kind of ancient theme of mankind. If you are a refugee, an IS fighter or a depressed person. We actually all want to be happy, deep inside in all of us is this longing. To be happy. To be satisfied.

Some people do manage much better to be contented than others.

What intrigues me is what exactly dies. Or what exactly you want to be dead, if you commit suicide. Do you want to get rid of your body? Or do you want to get rid of your feelings and thoughts? 

Sometimes I ask myself this kind of questions. And it is difficult to answer them. Because this 'me' isn't a very clear shaped thing. Buddhists know that very well. 

You cannot grasp 'self'. Not like you can grab a glass of water. You can't get a grip on it. 

The me only can be described as a summory of caracteristics, connected to a body. And those caracteristics are also very changeable. 

This 'me' of me is a construction of thoughts, feelings, ideas, memories, successes and disappointments that I builded up during my whole life. 

When I feel asleep, then it is gone. 

As soon as I'm awake, the whole circus arises again. 

Zwagerman maybe wanted to end this circus. Because it wasn't a funny circus. 

Because he didn't manage to make it a funny circus. 

In my experience you are able as a human being to have influence on your own circus. To let your 'self' suffer a little bit less. 

But some people must do much more effort for this than others.